Long yawn . . . it seems to me that, as the adequacy of the Oscar nominees has increased, so has my boredom with the contest. I dunno . . . maybe it’s the competition with un-network television, which is kicking Hollywood’s butt. Maybe it’s the tiresome arguments about which historical movie is more inaccurate (when have they ever not been?) Or maybe I won’t wake up until three years after the last Meryl Streep nomination (for a Carl’s Jr. ad). Someone needs to turn a page. But until then here’s the awards I would hand out.
Best Actor in a Starring Role - - Michael Keaton, Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)- - What we talk about when we talk about the Edge. With equal mixtures of his intensity and wild flights of laughter, Keaton did it right here. The Brit boys did very good, too, particular Eddie, and if either wins, I don’t mind. Cooper was also more than good but it was not a good part and I didn’t see Foxcatcher.
Best Actress in a Starring Role - - Julianne Moore, Still Alice - - Ms. Moore probably has a lock on this but I was impressed some time ago with a demented Julie Christie in Away With Her and she lost. Regardless of that, I’ll go with the flow here. Reese Witherspoon was very good and Felicity Jones, too, but I did not care for Ms. Pike’s femme futile. I apologize to the lovely Marion Cotillard for missing her.
Best Actor in a Supporting Role - - J. K. Simmons, Whiplash - - This is another sure thing and I have no problem with that, despite missing Duvall and Ruffalo. They are both great actors and Ethan Hawke and Ed Norton killed in their films. Simmons, however, and almost literally, in a figurative sense, killed . . . his co-star, despite keeping his motivation to himself. He was simply a joy to watch.
Best Actress in a Supporting Role - - Patricia Arquette, Boyhood- - Another laugher and, again, only because Patty was so damn good. I would like to vote for the under-appreciated Laura Dern, much as I want to vote for her father last year. Stone found her bratty voice and Kiera is always best playing very smart women who are made to keep quiet. I didn’t hear Streep’s screech.
Best Original Screenplay - - Alejandro G. Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris, Jr. & Armando Bo, Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) - - I really liked Nightcrawler but that was mostly about Jake Gyllenhaal’s creepiness; this is going to be a shootout between the Bird and the Boy. Clearly, Boyhood was the most Original Screenplay but I thought Birdman was better. The Grand Budapest Hotel was a great story but I left no forwarding address.
Best Adapted Screenplay - - Damien Chazelle, Whiplash - - Inherent Vice was the most brave screenplay, filming the unfilmable, but not successful. The two British genius pictures won my respect but Whiplash was a delight from beginning to end with a script that twisted our sympathies and expectations every which way.
Best Cinematography - - Pass- - I did not see Mr. Turner but I’ve heard wonderful things about Mike Leigh’s film and I hope his longtime lenser, Dick Pope, finally wins. Kind of wonder where Interstellar and Hoyte Van Hoytema is? But I also did not see Unbroken or Ida so I’ll just be quiet now.
Best Music - - Alexandre Desplat, The Imitation Game - - I complain about Desplat not getting a statue and they nominate him twice. Now that’s cosmic influence! I thought he did better work in the spy movie. Jóhannsson was good, too, and Zimmer is just noise. Again, didn’t see Mr. Turner in time.
Best Direction - - Richard Linklater, Boyhood - - They say that a director must keep a vision in his head whilst all around him are losing theirs. But nobody says he has to hold it for twelve years . . . while you are casting The School of Rock, I might add. Iñárritu should give him a run and I like the rest of the pack but this is my pick.
Best Picture - - Richard Linklater and Cathleen Sutherland, Boyhood– - To recap, it really comes down to Boyhood and Birdman, to life looked at from the end or the beginning, regret versus hope . . . but isn’t The Grand Budapest Hotel also about nostalgia and missed chances? Truth be told, there’s only one movie firing blanks in this bunch. Even Selma, a movie with which I had some real problems, would be a best picture in a bad year. I’ll go with Boyhood simply because this been a very bad year outside of the theater but Linklater screens the least cynical future of all of them.
And so it goes . . . my invitation lost in the mail and Meg Ryan is back on the arm of a melon head. I guess I’m taking selfies with Liza Minnelli. But, do I really mind being left out? Hollywood has never been so déclassé and so damn predictable. I can’t imagine Grace Kelly trying to break the Internet or Audrey Hepburn flipping off the press. Maybe I need to streak the stage . . . again.